This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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