HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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