He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
