the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
