I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
