If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
