Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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