Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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