Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
