I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
false alarm. still invincible.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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