I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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