brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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