I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
