Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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