I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
