we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
