I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
