have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
