I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
