i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
