it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
