I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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