if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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