you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
