How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
be right there i have to get my cape
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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