I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
