just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
