mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i was born a porn star she said
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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