Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
