No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
