the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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