I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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