ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
