guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
