On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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