sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
