Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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