No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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