my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
