Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
