I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
