My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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