How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Randomize
