I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
