Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
