So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
