I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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