I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
