There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
