Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
